Suffice to say, I am now over eleven years sober from street drugs and alcohol, and miss it not. For over seven years, I was an AA poster child. And no, not just to be a poster child. I USED the program. The opportunities to strip myself bare until there was nothing left but a whimpering, quivering pile of crying woman. The last time I did that was a little over a year ago. So, it was ongoing, and if I feel the need again, I shall proceed. For those seven years, I wrote countless inventories, sponsored countless women, listened to countless fourth steps, became popular, if only from a distance (that was very weird, I am not the popular type). I stopped attending when the sponsor I had at the time made me stop sponsoring. Now, when I said made, it's like this. I wanted to be at peace so very badly. I worked extremely hard on exorcising the ugly monsters within, and doing so with lasting results. This meant pulling off a layer, looking hard at what I found. Being painfully, brutally honest with myself about what I saw, and then deciding under conditions of honesty and my 'gut' what could stay and what could go, and when these changes were made, was I glad to sit alone in a room, cool with my creator, able to hold my head high? That was my personal program.
Now, I am sure, having seen it first hand, that an alky and dope fiend are not the same animal. I also know there are various levels of destruction to sort through depending on how long, how hard and with what a substance abuser had gotten into. I was one that started drinking at six, had my first toke in grade four, and was seriously gone on cocaine at 15. And it went on, year after painful year. No, I am not looking for "ahhh, poor Miss Damodred" no, this is just for the who I am section. So it took a long time to shake the shit outta my shoes.
I discovered things about myself. I am an A student when attending college. I am extremely competitive in my quest for this "A". I would find the person with the most going for them in class and set out to best them. After years of fear and uncertainty, that was 'la, oh so dam cool'. Also, I was an extremely compassionate woman. That I guess was not such a surprise, being that among dope fiends from Seattle to California, I was a 'nice' person. Not so nice that if someone I did not care for came along and I was loaded enough, that I would not take your eight ball and then spend half a day helping you look for it, but you had to had dissed me first. I had all kinds a rules that got me through the day. But since I was deeply self loathing the moment I awoke, the best rule was to find more, fast.
Imagine, one day, at 35 years old, I decide as I am walking with no where to go up Commonwealth Ave. in Fullerton, CA, a first time thought hit me, "what if I were to give this up". I mean, sure, I was so delirious I had been up for several days, and sure, the clothes I had on were not mine, and yah, I had gotten physically removed from the very last place that would let me in. (Do Not Drink When Up Doing Speed for Days, very bad scene, loud too). Yes, I have the dubious honor of being the only alcoholic speed freek I ever met in the seven years I dedicated to that disgusting drug. And not pharmaceutical speed, Methamphetamine made first, in the 'good years' by people who knew how to use fertilizer and red phosphorus to make some ass kicking whomp it is ON speed, to the sadly declining shitty years of weak, ineffectual and nasty making ephedrine crap a roo. Nuff on that. So, for the last four years, after draining the last drop that big book could offer and even quitting sponsoring and going to Women's Meeting with the last Sponsor, (I did these things to prove to her and to me I was 'able to take direction') two things I would NOT have done on my own, and no, I am not boy crazy, in fact I was probably the only good lookin' chick who did not spread out for a 13th step in our area, anyway, never got a rep, never slept around, just happen to dislike hen gabble. And women are nasty all in a bunch, I never seemed to have been around when any group "got started", I was forever attending meetings where these women would ramble on about crying and cussing and working through it all together in this very meeting room, blah de blah, but try to join in and do the same and it was all very polite, you see, but none of this so called Passion I was always hearing about. Screw. That is what drove me out, not sponsoring and these nosy, jealous women.
However, I feel that under each mushroom there is some grass, and when I left is when I really branched out into my spiritual quest, getting involved and certified in Reiki, becoming consumed with crystals and minerals, fine tuning my body to where I can open my palm chakra, left hand and "feel" the vibration of a mineral or crystal. I have been known to tape on beneficial crystals over my chakras and then perform Reiki on myself. I even have one piece of Hematite I found in the waterfalls at the foot of Mt. Baldy here in CA, that if held over my chakra's from root to crown, will bring Kundalini right on up with it. Yah, can ya believe it?
I need to stop now, I am going to treat myself to the women's ice dancing singles on the Olympics. (no I am not gay, they are just so beautiful, grace and motion and music and ahhh...) since this is my get to know you stuff, I have plenty more to say about the subject at hand, but what is a high falutin' subject like spiritual evolution gonna taste like with no idea who is writing it? I actually may have more cleaning up and maybe a little to add to this post later but I cannot wait until the real meat of the matter comes out. Love to the world and us'all in it!!!. Namaste for now, February 23, 2010,
Signed,
Dayna Elyse Damodred
Dayna Elyse Damodred.
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